Can I Interest You in Hannukah? Songtext

Jon:
Well, you could do worse.

Stephen: Is it merry?
Jon: ...It's kind of merry.
Stephen: Is it cheery?
Jon: ...It's got some cheer.
Stephen: Is it jolly?
Jon: Look, I wouldn't know from "jolly"
But it's not my least unfavorite time of year

Stephen: When's it start?
Jon: On the 25th!
Stephen: Of December!?
Jon: ...Kislev.
Stephen: Which is when exactly?
Jon: ...I will check.
Stephen: Are there presents?
Jon: Yes indeed, eight days of presents. Which means one nice one, then a week of dreck...

Stephen: Does Hannukah commemorate
Events profound and holy?
A King who came to save the world?
Jon: No.
Oil that burned quite slowly...

Stephen:
Well, it sounds fantastic!

Jon:
There's more!

We have latkes!
Stephen: What are they?
Jon: Potato pancakes.
We have dreidels!
Stephen: What are they?
Jon: Wooden tops.
We have candles!
Stephen: What are they?
Jon: THEY ARE CANDLES!
And, when we light them
Oh, the fun it never stops!

Jon:
Whaddaya say, Stephen, you wanna give Hannukah a try?

Stephen:
I'm trying to see me as a Jew...
I'm trying even harder...
But I believe in Jesus Christ
So it's a real non-starter...

Jon: I can't interest you...in Hannukah?
Just a little bit?
Stephen: No thanks, I'll pass
I'll keep Jesus, you keep your potato pancakes

But I hope that you enjoy 'em
On behalf of all the goyim

Jon:
Be sure to tell the Pontiff
My people say, "Good Yontiff"

Stephen:
That's exactly what I'll do

Stephen & Jon:
Happy holidays!...

Jon: You too!
Stephen (same time as Jon): You Jew!