Dan's Christmas Song Songtext

Santa Claus said Eureka I got the greatest idea He called his elves in his office Said it's time to branch out a little This year we'll give presents Not only to the Christians We'll give 'em to the Muslims, to the Hindus and the Jews I?ve pretty much decided that this is what we're gonna do But I?d like to get some feedback Hear what you guys think too Eddie slowly got up, for an elf he was pretty darn big He looked at Santa, he started talking He said, Who you think you are, Jesus? Who you think you are, Moses? Do you think you're Elijah? Or the prophet Mohammed? I knew Joan of Arc, You're no Joan of Arc. You're as fat as the Buddha But the resemblance stops there You're no Mother Theresa you're not even Bob Geldof During Hands Across America, You were nowhere to be seen Let's get this straight, mister You're an employee You're a delivery boy, Like a Domino's pizza guy We're the ones who make the stuff You just haul it around We work all year long You put in one damn day So no more bright ideas It ain't gonna happen We've got our union We'd never go for it Not in a recession When the rest of the industry Is looking at cutbacks Is facing retrenchment In fact, we were thinking Of taking the hard line, Crossing Catholics off the list Crossing off the Lutherans Let the Episcopalians buy toys for their own kids Forget the Mormons, they've got ten wives, they don't need toys We can have a small party, a holiday get-together Invite a couple Methodists, pour some Gallo burgundy Christmas don't have to be a big deal We can play a little Twister Invite some Presbyterians I tell you, people ain't even gonna notice And Santa said, Hold it! What the hell is goin' on here? I may not be Jesus I may not even be Elvis I didn't do schtick on Comic Relief I didn't sing on We Are the World But goddamit, I?m Santa Claus I am still Santa Claus And until I am notified That there is some OTHER Santa Claus We'll give toys to the Catholics We'll give toys to the Lutherans We'll give 'em to the Seventh Day Adventists We'll give 'em to the Jehovah's Witnesses We'll give 'em to the Mormons We'll even give 'em to the Quakers Okay, forget the Hindus, Okay, forget the Jews, I don't have their sizes I don't even know what they like Besides, they don't even believe in me! That sorta yanks my chain a little. Let them fight the holiday crowds Let them go to Toys R Us I don't know where Jesus gets off With this golden rule bit It's easy for him to say He never had to haul around a big bag of junk Don't get me started I could tell you stuff you wouldn?t believe You think Moses was a pretty good guy You just go on and think that, okay? Look, I?m Santa Claus I know my place I?ll be jolly when I?m in your sight I?ll say Merry Christmas to All And to All a Good Night Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas And to all a good night And if you see Rudolph I did not say won't you guide my sleigh tonight I said won't you change the hay tonight! The little booger took off with my sleigh It was my best sleigh And I haven't seen him since Kindly tell him to get his butt back here If he knows what's good for him