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I had a dream about a baby the other nightAnd that baby had a beard which just didn't seem rightUntil I realised that it was our Lord Jesus ChristAnd he said: "Kunt, what are you doing with your life?"I said: "I'm making people happy"He said: "You're making Jesus sad"I said: "I'm only wanking off my cock"He said: "That's really bad"JESUS: "The only place you're meant to do your muckIs up a lady's crackLook, it says here in the BibleIt's a motherfucking fact.And make sure it's within wedlockOr I'll have to cast a curseNot with some rotter behind the Co-op binsThat makes it even worseAnd you have to say 'I love you'Or I'll cry tears of bloodAnd jump into your bed while you're at workI'll fart and then draw mud."KUNT: "So, let's this straightI've got to stop whacking off?"And he said: "Right away"I said: "My new wank mag's coming tomorrow"SongtexteHe said: "You'd better stop todayOr you'll never get to HeavenAnd live up in the skyI'll send you to Hell where the Devil will stickPins down your jap's eye"KUNT: "But can't I have one last wank and one last cry?Before I say goodbye?"One last wank and one last cryBefore I say goodbye?Jesus said: "Seeing as it's youI'll let you do it one last timeThink of all the birds you touch yourself aboutWank and say goodbye"So I pulled my pants and trousers downAnd then I got to workI thought of all those ladiesAs I had my final jerk:The Saturday girl up the newsagentsGod, she's really fitAnd Mum's friend, Aunty SusanThe one with great big titsThe weather girl off GMTVAnd of course, Lorraine KellyI think about touching her front bottomAnd getting my finger's smellyCarol Vorderman, the love of my lifeAnd then there's my mate Jim's ex-wifeAnd Sonia in the juniorsWho got her fanny out under the deskAnd then there's bit in 'The Lady in Red'When Kelly Le Brock jumps out of bedWore the 'Pause' button out of my remote controlTrying to get a glimpse of her holeAnd while my member's standing proudI have a quick think about Girls AloudBut not the ginger one, she's waftyIt's enough to make you cryTears of sadness, tears of joyMilky tears from my old boyI'm about to do my beans intoAn old sports sock for one last timeI'll have one last wank and one last cry?Before I say goodbyeOne last wank and one last cryBefore I say goodbyeThen I woke up with a stiffyIt'd all been a dreamSo I thought "I'll have a wank then"Just for a starterBut as I went to touch my penisIt felt really soreI looked down and my helmet had stigmata Aus Songtexte Mania