Bizarre Christmas Incident Songtext

I kept hearing things
heavy breathing from the chimney...
who could it be?

[I'll tell you what it was...]
[What happened then, Ben?]
[Yeah, what happened?]
Well, I went back to sleep...
[You went back to sleep?!]
[Shit!]
Tired man, went back to sleep.

and in the morning
I couldn't believe my eyes
oh well, the corpse with a long, white beard
was dangling over the fire

[ha ha ha!]

oh, Santa, he's a big, fat fuck went down the chimney, got his fat ass stuck
oh, honey call the lawyers fast,
'cause Mrs. Claus is gonna sue my ass
hey, hey, hey!
[hey!]

Okay Grandpa, step up.
Sing in this thing right here.
Tell them what you saw,
tell them what you saw, Grandpa!

I gotta tell you folks
he wasn't wearing no clothes
[No clothes?!]
he must have rubbed a whole gallon of Crisco
from his back, down to his toes

while I was talking to the cops outside,
the dog was lickin' Crisco off of his thighs
they hauled him away in a double-wide
what a sad, sad way to die

Santa, he's a big, fat fuck
went down the chimney, got his fat ass
oh, honey call the lawyers fast,
Mrs. Claus is gonna sue our ass